27 November, 2003 - 1:51 p.m.
Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time -- just like it does for you and me.
--Sara Paddison, The Hidden Power of the Heart
Thanksgiving IS upon us..... that means so much more than just gorging for me. Let me start by giving thanks for all my friends, old and new. Truly adversity has made me aware of your value.
A friend reminded me that, one moment of anger steals away a thousand moments of happiness. Another reminded me that in truly forgiving another, there is release within one's self.
Death which visits my life frequently reminds me that life is short..... if we live each day as though we (or they) might not get another, perhaps we will treat each other better. My birth mother continues to struggle with her health. My mother is healing well but is faced with another surgery very soon.
Along these lines there are some things I would say to himself if he would but listen.....
I am sorry for your pain. I know you carry a lot of pain... most of it accumulated long before I was part of your life. I know it is your pain that makes you lash out but the lashing out does not help anyone. You are hurting more and more people. I pray you find your center and regain your balance.
I wish demons did not haunt your nights. Considering the work you do it is not a surprise. I never understood why you wouldn't go to bed or relax your vigilance after dark. I get it now - bad things happen at night. Ultimately you have to best your demons, all of them, on your own. They are not about me and sadly, as time has proven, I have no effect on them at all.
You have inspired me more than anyone else in my lifetime. You helped me solidify my values. I learned that I have the strength and courage keep to them. My hero... I will miss you terribly.
Though I mourn the loss of the dream that we tried desperately to hold on to, neither of us deserved one more day of unhappiness.... you were as miserable as I. I had thought we had agreed on how to handle this ending. I regret it didn't work out that way.
It wasn't my intention to rip you off or take advantage. I tried hard to be fair and follow the specifics we 'd discussed in the division of it all. The indignant shock of your reaction tells me that there was much misunderstood or forgotten in the time we spent working out the details. Or perhaps you didn't think I was serious. Regardless, I am sorry for your hurt.
Parenting was perhaps the largest challenge I faced within our relationship. It became my priority to save the girls. Funny thing just how many of our friends didn't think it could be done. Yet, I learned and grew and survived the process, as did they, and we are all better off for it. I wouldn't change it for anything in the world even though it cost us our dream.
Most importantly is that I love you. Still. More than you will ever know. I am not responsible for your fears and insecurities, you know that. There has never been another. Nor is there likely to be anytime soon. You know that too. No one will ever take your place in my heart or my world. No one can.
Today is a day for Thanksgiving.
Know that I am thankful for much of what we shared.
I pray you find forgiveness and peace within yourself.
There is no finer sensation in life than that which comes with victory over one's self. It feels good to go fronting into a hard wind, winning against its power; but it feels a thousand times better to go forward to a goal of inward achievement, brushing aside all your old internal enemies as you advance
-- Vash Young
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