04 May, 2005 - 12:56 p.m.
I did some research about my own life and marriage. My counselor and the social worker agreed and labeled me �abused� but I had a real hard time seeing it that way. Finally I began to get it�� and now I am on the look out for it as I have no interest in a repeat performance with anyone.
It is difficult to explain to people. We think of abuse as strictly physical yet at the same time realize that hurting inside is much deeper and takes much longer to get over. For example, a broken arm heals faster than a broken heart; healing the physical body is much faster than say, healing from betrayal. Note also that the qualifying factor is that these behaviors are not infrequent but rather the norm within the relationship.
Oddly enough for me, it didn�t start out that way. The behaviors were insidious and built on themselves. One small thing after another followed by excuses, sacrifices or both on my part. He is a powerful and charismatic manipulator of perspective. I blamed a lot on the Army. But as it turns out, the Army was a saving grace because as soon as retirement came, so many of the behaviors I thought would go away instead increased and multiplied.
The saddest part is that others see you with hurt feelings or sad, or exhausted and yet unable to stop 'doing' and don�t understand the magnitude of what is happening. Often the person doesn't think what they're doing is abusivess because they grew up with it and consider the behavior normal. It is hard to grasp plus so much of it happens privately. Another example: My household and friends were aware of a breast cancer scare I had, that turned out to be a broken rib --- no one asked how I got a broken rib in the front of my chest and I didn�t offer because I was so happy to not have cancer.
I share this information here because many of our friends felt dumb and blind. Not as dumb as I for living it and not catching on sooner, I promise you that. Some of our woman friends have since identified different of these behaviors in their relationships or worse, in their parenting, and are working towards healthier alternatives.
I think we should all be aware. That whole �minding-your-own-business� thing simply allows it to continue�.. and the more isolated and misunderstood she feels, the more powerful he becomes and the worse it gets.
Defining Psychological Maltreatment in Domestic Violence Perpetrator Treatment Programs
Amnesty International Definition
The definition of psychological violence or terrorism provided by Amnesty International closely resembles the ways that male batterers control and intimidate their partners. This definition includes the following behavior patterns.
Isolation of victim
Induced debility-producing exhaustion
Monopolization of perceptions, including obsessiveness and possessiveness
Threats, such as death to self, victim, family or friends, or sham executions
Degradation, including humiliation, denial of victim's power, and verbal name-calling
Drug or alcohol administration
Altered states of consciousness produced by a hypnotic state
Occasional indulgences that keep hope alive that the abuse will cease
Following are some examples of such actions as they might occur in cases of domestic violence:
Examples of isolation would include not letting her socialize with friends or family members, forcing her to stay at home or not letting her leave the house without his presence, moving away from all her support systems, such as friends or family members.
Induced debility-producing exhaustion would include keeping her up all night during a fight, waking her up to argue with her or abuse her physically or sexually, making her do all the work at home, forcing her into a servant role, keeping her pregnant, or not allowing her to have support in taking care of the children.
Monopolization of perceptions includes pathological jealousy, having to know where she is all the time and who she is with, accusing her of being with other men, looking at other men, or wanting to be with other men, following her, breaking into to her email, etc � allowing no privacy, controlling finances so she cannot leave him, stalking her after a separation or divorce, or refusing to obey restraining orders.
Threats to kill her, kill others, or kill himself are common forms of psychological abuse that are intended to control her and get what he wants.
Verbal degradation is another common behavior that men use to cope with their fears, control their partners, and deal with their own sense of worthlessness. Comparable to physical abuse, the verbal name-calling has as much, or sometimes more, impact on the victim in that it serves to damage the victim's sense of self-worth, resulting in feelings of powerlessness. She feels she must give up her own values, her point of view and feelings, in order to keep him from becoming physically violent.
Altered states of consciousness are a term that often refers to the batterer's attempt to invalidate his partner's perceptions. Many men try to convince their partner that she is crazy or is hearing or seeing things that did not happen, or that she can't live without him. The motion picture Gaslight quite effectively illustrates this dynamic.
The occasional indulgences that we often hear are typified by the statement, "I promise dear, I'll never do it again." In psychological violence, this is followed with loving behavior, such as gift-giving, sensitivity, and tolerance for a short period of time before the old behavior sets in again.
The Amnesty International definition describes the more severe forms of psychological violence without including what may be termed maladaptive or negative interpersonal problem-solving behaviors.
The Psychological Violence Towards Women Inventory
Attacking her personhood, demeaning, belittling, undermining self-worth
Defining her reality, getting her to question her own perceptions and judgments
Controlling her contact with outside world and support systems
Demanding subservience, complying with rigid sex-role expectations within the family
Withholding positive reinforcers within the relationship
Threatening nonphysical punishment for noncompliance with requests
Abusive Behavior Inventory: The Duluth Model
This definition of psychological abuse is one of the most inclusive or broadest in that it includes the types of behaviors that have traditionally been viewed as dysfunctional or maladaptive but not "violent�. Their power and control wheel describes eight forms of psychological violence consisting of specific behaviors.
Using coercion and threats (making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt her, threatening to leave her, to commit suicide, or to report her to some authority, making her drop charges, making her do illegal things)
Using economic power (preventing her from getting or keeping a job, making her ask for money, giving her an allowance, taking her money, not letting her know about or have access to family income)
Using male privilege (treating her like a servant, making all the big decisions, acting like the master of the castle, being the one to define men and women's roles)
Using children (making her feel guilty about the children, using the children to relay messages, threatening to take away the children)
Minimizing, denying, and blaming (making light of the abuse and not taking her concerns about it seriously, saying the abuse didn't happen, shifting responsibility for abusive behavior, saying she caused it)
Using isolation (controlling what she does, who she sees and talks to, what she reads and where she goes, limiting her outside involvement, using jealousy to justify actions)
Using emotional abuse (putting her down, making her feel bad about herself, calling her names, making her think she's crazy, playing mind games, humiliating her, making her feel guilty)
Using intimidation (making her afraid by using looks, actions, gestures, smashing things, destroying her property, abusing pets, displaying weapons)
If you or some one you know is living with these behaviors.
Get help or get out or both.
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