14 October, 2003 - 8:41 p.m.
Grace.
Hard to define. Harder still to find an example of.... especially on a regular daily basis. Perhaps that is one reason it is so hard to put into action. Where are our role models? I don't think there are any on TV but I must admit I don't watch it much.
So here's my idea..... part of grace is about being able and having the courage to say what needs saying, with balance and compassion so as not to destroy the person on any level.
One might say, 'Excuse me, I thought you'd like to know that you have spinach on your tooth.' Chances are that would be well received. Most all of us would prefer to have someone tell us some physical thing needs fixing or adjusting rather than letting us walk around that way.
One of the hardest things I ever had to tell a woman was that her bosom needed adjusting. I took her aside and initially she was annoyed and said she liked her cleavage and wanted it that way.... so I asked why then was only one nipple showing rather than both. Then came to 'Oh my god's and 'I wonder how long's and she adjusted herself immediately, all the while thanking me and apologizing.
At Knight of the Heart, I watched a young man I didn't know walk across the list field, past the royal pavilion, past me and Arielle, into the Baronial food pavilion. All the while with the back of his tunic caught up in his pouch at his belt showing us all his boxers (thankfully he had on something under there). No one said a word. So I walked over, smiled, asked him to hold my cup which his did quizzically and then I stepped behind him and yanked his tunic into place. He blushed but thanked me and those around applauded.
So why didn't anyone else help the poor guy out? I think most of us would want someone to help us in this way.
More puzzling and far trickier is why aren't folks as likely to appreciate your aid should you be making them aware of a behavior rather than a physical modification?
You see, I think this is one really important place where grace comes into action. When person X is serving at an event in some capacity but is using a tone of voice or turn of phrase that is insulting people, then I think that Grace dictates that I (or you) politely ask X to step away from whatever they are doing and 'assist' you with whatever is a viable excuse. This is a face saving technique that attempts to allow for some privacy. At which time a few questions can be asked, "Are you feeling ok? Need more help? A break? I am concerned because I noticed that your tone of voice (or subject matter or whatever) is putting people off..... and I am giving you the grace to say this to your face, here and now, and am willing to do what I can to help. Otherwise we both know that most likely a good number of folks will leave here and not understand and have only ugly things to say but all behind your back."
Is this really so hard to hear?
It must be for most do not like to hear it.
Is that why it is so hard to do?
Because person X then turns their issue/anger/whatever on you?
So, is it fear that keeps our mouths shut when faced with this sort of thing?
I would sooooooooooooo prefer folks to deal with me in this way. And yet, when I hear others complaining of this person or that, and how this or that was done. I see much that is taken personally when it likely wasn't meant that way. When I ask - did you talk to this person about it? The response is almost always the same. No. For a variety of reasons:
Didn't want to hurt their feelings -
but won't their feelings will be hurt if they find out you're talking about them?
Didn't want to embarrass them -
guess its better to let them embarrass themselves endlessly?
Didn't want to be rude/discourteous -
but you'll sit here and criticize them and rip them to shreds.... this is nice?
Didn't think they'd care for my opinion -
how will they ever know and be able to adjust their behavior if no one tells them?
Didn't think they would take it well -
truly, I believe, it is your intent that counts more than anything. If you try and it backfires - well than at least you tried with all the Grace and compassion that you could.
I suspect Grace requires a certain Courage. And Balance....
We only have control over our actions, but not over the fruits of our actions. Grace, I believe, results from investing your attention in the best choice available to you at this moment, while relinquishing your attachment to the outcome.
Simply put, that means:
Do your best and do it with a good heart and let it go.
Pull compassion into your present moment awareness, take action with awareness, and your choices will provide the greatest benefit to you and all those affected by your choices.....
For me, this is a very important part of Grace in Action.
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