09 March, 2004 - 10:53 a.m.
Friday was full as my leadership class began in DC and I had to make it home afterwards. Saturday, I was off to a late start after taking care of Mom but made the Kingdom A&S event. I was honored to be part of of Julianna's elevation. Was challenged with my role as "sloth" for Thjora's elevation........ slow down, indeed.
I have also been watching the follow up banter on the Pearls list about encouraging A&S participation....and interestingly enough found myself in an odd, rather unusual place for me, on the subject.
You see, I have been competing and displaying since my first year in the SCA. We still had Sea Wars then and I 'd heard that there was an A&S war point, and so I entered my very first Inter-kingdom competition. Oh boy, yippy skippy, a way I could support the kingdom in winning a war. Well, it was an education. I learned then, to as often as possible, go directly to the judges and ask about anything they said that wasn't clear and get a thorough understanding of their point of view. This also gave me a chance to clarify for them anything that wasn't.
The years have passed and I have participated, encouraged entering, been the A&S officer in 2 Baronies, and the Kingdom deputy A&S officer in charge of Competitions at Kingdom events. Share it. Show it. Teach it. I have taught at Pennsic as well as the Known World Heraldic and Scribal Symposium. All because I believe in the arts and sciences....... competitions and displays are a way to inspire others to want to try it while getting feedback to improve your own work.
The good, the bad, the ugly - it all happens. It is all part of life. Continue creating simply because you enjoy what you are doing. Do not let others rob you of that joy. Always, always participate and share and inspire others with what you are doing. Ignore those who might be less than enthusiastic.
That has been my stand for over a decade.
Then there was Gulf Wars last year........... and it wasn't the rudeness of the Trimarians, or the Ansteorrans that got to me. It was the Atlantians. I have not entered another competition or display since. I have stopped teaching.
I cried all the way homeand it was a long drive.
You had no idea right? Yup, I know. You weren't supposed to know... somewhere I learned that allowing my enemies to make me cry was giving them what they wanted. Can't have that now, can we? I hide my pain well. It feels horribly vulnerable to even admit to this much of it here. It is my hope that such insight will keep us from loosing more artisans.
It wasn't the judging forms - which were odd.
It wasn't the judge's comments - we communicated about them later via email. Although I have never thought a table cloth and silk flowers or lack there of as being part of "over all appearance".
It wasn't the rudeness of the lady running the A&S hall.
It wasn't getting stuck in the mud, having the rain and mud destroy my documentation which I re-wrote on available 3x5 cards with nothing to refer to - it didn't get the scroll and that's what was important. Wasn't it?
It was the feeling of betrayal from those in a positon to be supportive by their choices to be the opposite.... that feeling further amplified by their choices to judge and condemn and even dictate a punishment _all_ behind my back without ever even the slightest of communications, least bit of direct personal inquiry or even speaking to me.
Yes, indeed, I cried all the way home for the unfairness of it, the betrayal of those I thought of as friend... the terrible, heart shredding hurt as another part of my dream was crushed and a small part of my heart died with it.
Why would I or should I continue to risk such hurt? How cruel of me to encourage others... for I know that there are many others who have also cried themselves sick over the cruelity they have experienced at events.
I have not produced a scroll for this Kingdom since. (Other Kingdoms yes - but then other Kingdoms invite me to their Laurels councils as well. But that's another story.) All joy in reference to any type of SCA painting - garb, tents, floor cloths, banners, wall hanging, or illuminations - all of it was gone....... all art and creating since has been modern.
Then Edwin asked me to do a nice promissary for Calli's elevation. I managed it but then it wasn't presented in court. I know that things get misplaced and forgotten with so many hands to help in a royal cabin but on top of how unappreciated I have felt as a scribe in this kingdom, it was hard not to imagine that it was personal. I do know it wasn't but that doesn't keep the thought or feeling from happening.
And then there was Gen's request for Thjora's ceremony.
Love for both Gen and Thjora got me over it.
The response from those who saw it didn't hurt either.
Again, finally, there was joy in the creating of a scroll. I hope to hold on to that and ideally resume my artistic contributions to Atlantia.
The sun is shining. I have windows to make. Sorry this got so depressing - the up side is that I think I am finally over it and have begun to find joy in scrolls again.
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